My Story

I came from a background of drugs, alcohol, and being sexually active. I was full of insecurities and hated myself. I was never really told that I was loved much because my foster mother did not know how to show it...in place of telling me she loved me were things that she would buy me. At the age of five I was told about my mom that gave me up, that she did not want me or love me and that I was an accident. I heard that constantly - so much that I could not believe that anyone could love me or want me. I felt like I was just existing... but for what?
I started dealing drugs for one of her sons thinking that it would prevent him from trying to molest me - he was on cocaine the first time he tried and I was only 12. I started doing drugs to deal with every day life and just to escape it all. I almost went into a coma from alcohol poisoning when I was 15 after my mom that raised me told me she wished I would just drop dead. The only dad I thought I had was no longer in the picture because they were divorced before I was even taken in, a toddler of two years.
It was really hard to accept love from anyone. I got used alot in the name of love...love just became a word to me with no meaning. I just never really understood it - to me so called 'love' was hurtful and disappointing...I struggled with thoughts of suicide constantly.
I hurt myself in a lot of different ways: I would take an eraser to my skin and just keep rubbing real hard till it burned my skin and it would brake and start bleeding...I would take a staple and put my finger in it and hit it to make it go in my skin.
My birth mom came into the picture when I was 15. She had gotten saved and had been praying for me ever since she had accepted the Lord. I really wanted to have a relationship with her - that was my only focus and it got to me at times because I didn't understand why she was trying to change me - why didn't she just accept me and love me?
I ended up living with her for a time but it didn't (and couldn't) work out. I would not abide by their rules. I would drink and hang out with guys which wasn't acceptable to her or my step-dad. So after breaking their rules I was asked to leave. I went back to my other home and it wasn't long until I got thrown out of there too because I would be gone for weeks at a time.
She winded up beating me when I came back to the house and she had my clothes thrown out on the lawn and told me that I would never amount to anything and would wind up just like my mother, bare-foot and pregnant.
I was 16 with no place to go so I winded up staying in a drug house up the street with some people I knew.. I went through a lot there emotionally, physically and mentally. I hit rock bottom when a friend of mine wanted to prostitute me out - he said I needed the money and why should I be with guys and not be paid for it...
I was so ready to die after he left (I refused his 'offer'). I started thinking about when I met my birth mother she had tried to take me in and get me to change but I just wanted to know if she loved me...I felt she was choosing her husband over me and she loved her new family more than me. It had been a year since I had seen her and I cried out to God and said I would like to have another chance with my mom.
I told my nephew the next day on the street to get one of my brothers to come and get me cause if not I would not be alive through the night. My brother showed up and said he would take me anywhere I wanted to go. I went to LaPlace to stay with my maw-maw. The next day, my mom showed up and invited me to church. I went and got radically saved.
About 5 months later, living with my real mom again, her and her husband were having trust issues and I got thrown out of the house and winded up with no place to go...I ended up back at my grandmas hurt, disappointed, and depressed. I could not understand what I did wrong cause I was no longer on anything, I was serving God and going to youth and cell group.. I loved God with all my heart!!!
I tried to keep straight but bitterness and anger took root and rejection came all over again. I wound up back in a relationship with a guy but even though I was not going to church I knew enough of the word for God to deal with me and show me my error.. It is hard after you come to know the Lord and turn back into the same things to feel happy with your life, even though you try and convince yourself it is just not the same.
I remember waking from a dream freaking out because God showed me these big crystal blue eyes were looking down at me and my boyfriend and we were in his hand naked and I saw tears falling from his eyes and he said, 'why are you hurting me what have I done to you?' That really got my attention. I did not realize that I was taking things out on the Lord. I had walked away from God and did not see it because in my heart I thought of the Lord and loved him.
My boyfriend left that day to go to a friend's house and I started analyzing my life and where would I be in the future if I stayed where I was and I knew then that it would be misery... so I called my mom and told her what was going on and asked her to come and get me and she did. She took me to church to get prayed over to break ties that I had with this guy but in my insides I was in so much pain and turmoil from the seperation. Not long after that I heard of
Mercy Ministries and got the apps to fill out and talked to them on the phone. I will never forget my experience at Mercy - I really established a strong relationship with God there and I did not miss home at all. I felt like I was home.
I had a lot of supressed issues and they really helped by getting to the root of the problem. I developed a strong foundation from the counseling, the word, the worship and the love and compassion that was shown to me and the other girls. Mercy meant so much to me that it was hard to leave when it came time to go...
When I left from Mercy I did not go home but instead to Oklahoma to 'Church of the Harvest' as an intern, working in all 5 areas of ministry to find out what my giftings and talents were. It was a great experience for me.
I walked with a woman who was my mentor in Texas for 8 years in dealing with deliverance. I have a heart to see the captives set free and walk in the freedom and liberty that Jesus purchased for them through his blood, and to see everyone come to know the love of Jesus and know that there are no accidents. There is no child born that catches God by suprise because he already has a plan and a purpose for their life before they are even born. He knew you when you were being formed in your mothers womb. My life is testimony to this.
I have always wanted to go back to Mercy and be a part of such a wonderful team of women that are touching lives for God's glory and seeing lives restored...I have been online reaching out to girls who struggle with eating disorders, self harm, suicidal tendencies, depression, sexual abuse and addictions like I have in the past. I have the Mercy webpage site on my page for the girls to go to and understand what Mercy is about - that they save lives.
Now God is opening a door for me at my church through CELEBRATE RECOVERY which deals with all the same things. My cell leader said that she really wanted me to hook up and become a part of it because of my testimony and my heart to see lives transformed through the mercy and compassion of Jesus. It is a bible based program.
I know I am right in God's will for my life and I am walking in my purpose. Thank you Nancy for being sensitive to the spirit of the Lord and starting Mercy for girls like me...you all are so amazing!!! I will continue to share Mercy with others that are struggling because if God can do it for me, he can do it for them.
Just a note - my mom and I are best friends and I know the reason for why it was hard for her to get close to me: she was feeling guilt and was under condemnation over what happened to me growing up but I told her it did not matter, I love her and I do not hold anything against her. I do not use my past as a crutch but as a stepping stone to get where God wants me to be.
I have given the "Mercy For" series to my pastor's wife and my cell leader.
God bless you Mercy staff and Nancy!
mercy girl of 91',