Powerlessness

This was another last weeks lesson that we went over and shared the answers to the questions that was after the study. I find worry a big part of my life maybe not always so evident but when it comes to family and loved ones and knowing that there are not in right relationship with the Lord tormented me the most. Since I know that tomorrow is not always promised to anyone and accidents happen every day. My fear is them gettin taken out before being restored to the Lord or coming to know Jesus as Lord. I went up for prayer and the worry got dealt with and just have to say God is doing such amazing things. I got freed from worry and torment that night.. God is so good and so faithful as we open up and become transparent and put our stuff out there in the open He comes in and takes it and gives us freedom of those things. I am grateful to be in such a great group of women and I do not feel judged or looked down on in any way. I know in my heart I have the love and support of my leader Pam and the other women that are going through recovery with me. It is great to not feel alone trying to deal with your issues and stuff on your own.. I always feared opening up to women over the hurts that I had went through in my past. I just did not trust women period! But that fear is gone! I notice that as I open up BOOM! God shows up! All He is waiting for is us to be honest with ourselves and others. Jesus is definately in Celebrate Recovery!

Freedom in 2009

I am so excited about what the Lord is doing. A couple of weeks ago we started our Celebrate Recovery life groups on Wednsday night at 7pm at Reserve Church. This is pretty much the meat of the recovery where the teachings come in and the sharing and as you listen to what the lesson is about and open up God really comes in and meets you right where your at in life whatever your struggle or hurt may be. Even those that you don't remember being there that have been surpressed since childhood starts to resurface to mind as you go through the process of recovery.. I never would've thought that I had such a root still there after all these years concerning my father not ever being in the picture. I never knew him and was always told that he did not want me. He never bothered to come and see me even tho he was offered the opportunity. I thought I had fully forgiven him and let it go, only to have the hurts come up during group discussions. When I asked for prayer it was because I was having a hard time with my daughter not gettin what I felt she needed relationship wise from her father. I would cry about it at times because it would hurt me. I wanted strength concerning dealing with that and some other things only to find out as my leader in CR started talking to me. She had me recognize that I was living my hurts through my daughter because of me not having a father and that I needed to forgive my father for not being there and to release him. It was hard and I cried alot but it was awesome to realize the truth behind my actions was over my own rejection and hurts. I got the healing I needed that night and things have been so awesome! I have opened up my life even more since then. My relationship with God has increased in a major way since I no longer have that father wound. Also, I no longer hold expectations over my husband and it has freed me by letting what I expected or wanted of him go. It has changed my relationship with him for the better.

I would never think after being saved for 17yrs that I would have such a root still, but it took certain things to happen for me to recognize what my problem was.. My problem was not my husband it was my hurt that I had surpressed for so long. I am glad that I am going through celebrate recovery because I am learning it does not matter how long you been in church you can still have things surpressed from your past hurts, habits or hangups. So that means your still bound up and hurting, you just do not know it or what causes you to do the things you do or react to things the way you do..There is no such thing as out of sight out of mind.. Think of it this way if you took a bunch of rags and junk and went outside and dug a hole to dispose of it does that mean it isn't there just because you do not see it. No when you go back out to that spot years later and dig that hole you will find the same stuff in view again. You may be going on with life, but the stuff is still there even tho you cannot see it. If you do not deal with things that you have been through and go through the healing process you will never experience the freedom that God has called you to in Christ Jesus. That is why my focus it to walk in freedom in 2009. I will give my all into this program because like mercy ministries it works and you walk out free and healed and can't wait to tell others of what happened with you and what God has done in your life..

My battle with a immune disorder that led to anorexia for over 2 yrs

I had chronic fatigue and dropped from 117lbs to 99 lbs in 2 months. I was trying to take care of my baby and could barely do for myself because of how weak I was.. I stopped going to the doctors it did not seem to help me at all. I got tired of the medicines. The last thing I got diagnosed with was candida which made me even fear eating more than what I did, over the pain. I drank water but started to even lose my thirst so I got hospitalized twice. The last time I was hospitalized they told my mom that I was critical. The doctor could not even draw blood from me when I went in. I remember my mom wanting to bring meto the ER the next day. The doctor she took me to said I would not make it to the next day. I was 99 lbs..The doctor told her that I was starving myself, she thought I was anorexic but I never made myself purge. I would never put my life in danger like that on purpose. I am married with a beautiful baby girl and I love my family. I was quitting on myself tho, I was so tired . I was in the hospital for 4 days.. they gave me 8 bags of plasma. I remember calling my mom a earlier that week before she took me. I could barely move I was in so much pain all over and extremly weak. I knew I had a baby to take care of.. so I told my mom I do not know what is going on but I need you to pray for me because I could barely move over the pain.. I had no idea that my body was shutting down on me, it was dieing.. I remember telling God many times.. I know you have a plan for my life but I do not know what is going on with me or why?? It is hard to cling to hope when it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel because of how you are feeling ... physically, mentally and emotionally.. I could not even believe that my husband was still standing at my side and telling me he loved me and that I was beautiful. To me, I looked disgusting, like something out of a horror movie.. I felt soooo ugly I was just fading away that is how I saw myself.. My eating disorder stemmed out of a fear of the disease they said I had and what it could do to me.. All I can say is when my mom told me about this other doctor and how good and therough she was I felt something touch my heart like a calm in the storm or something it is hard to discribe but I believed that this time would be different. It was she did not just look at me and say this is what you have. Here is a perscription and send me on my way.. I know through that lady God made a way for me to be here and alive today.. The last day I was in the hospital they did a biopsy on my breast to see if it was breast cancer and it came out fine. I remember gettin up early that day, standing in front of my room window looking out in the sky and singing to the Lord... I heard him so clearly tell me greater is he who is in you ( meaning Jesus in my heart) than he who is in the world ( meaning the devil that had control over my mind).. He said, satan has lost his hold YOU HAVE THE VICTORY...IT IS OVER.. I just heard it over and over again and starting crying. I knew this was the end of the road and of the battle that I been having over 2 and a half years. I could not see that the devil had such a stronghold over my mind over the fear I got of eating.. That fear opened the door for an eating disorder that I could not see that I had, but I did..I know how the devil can have you think things that are not true, he almost took my life over it.. But God has the last word.. Sometimes we do not know the reasons things happen the way they happen but I take this experience as an understanding into the lives of precious girls and women who struggle with eating disorders.. Today I am ALIVE AND FREE to be here for others that are struggling with these problems.. My hearts desire is to be here for others even if they just need to talk.. A lot of times friends and family give up but God never gives up on us because he loves us so much..

My Story

I came from a background of drugs, alcohol, and being sexually active. I was full of insecurities and hated myself. I was never really told that I was loved much because my foster mother did not know how to show it...in place of telling me she loved me were things that she would buy me. At the age of five I was told about my mom that gave me up, that she did not want me or love me and that I was an accident. I heard that constantly - so much that I could not believe that anyone could love me or want me. I felt like I was just existing... but for what?
I started dealing drugs for one of her sons thinking that it would prevent him from trying to molest me - he was on cocaine the first time he tried and I was only 12. I started doing drugs to deal with every day life and just to escape it all. I almost went into a coma from alcohol poisoning when I was 15 after my mom that raised me told me she wished I would just drop dead. The only dad I thought I had was no longer in the picture because they were divorced before I was even taken in, a toddler of two years.
It was really hard to accept love from anyone. I got used alot in the name of love...love just became a word to me with no meaning. I just never really understood it - to me so called 'love' was hurtful and disappointing...I struggled with thoughts of suicide constantly.
I hurt myself in a lot of different ways: I would take an eraser to my skin and just keep rubbing real hard till it burned my skin and it would brake and start bleeding...I would take a staple and put my finger in it and hit it to make it go in my skin.
My birth mom came into the picture when I was 15. She had gotten saved and had been praying for me ever since she had accepted the Lord. I really wanted to have a relationship with her - that was my only focus and it got to me at times because I didn't understand why she was trying to change me - why didn't she just accept me and love me?
I ended up living with her for a time but it didn't (and couldn't) work out. I would not abide by their rules. I would drink and hang out with guys which wasn't acceptable to her or my step-dad. So after breaking their rules I was asked to leave. I went back to my other home and it wasn't long until I got thrown out of there too because I would be gone for weeks at a time.
She winded up beating me when I came back to the house and she had my clothes thrown out on the lawn and told me that I would never amount to anything and would wind up just like my mother, bare-foot and pregnant.
I was 16 with no place to go so I winded up staying in a drug house up the street with some people I knew.. I went through a lot there emotionally, physically and mentally. I hit rock bottom when a friend of mine wanted to prostitute me out - he said I needed the money and why should I be with guys and not be paid for it...
I was so ready to die after he left (I refused his 'offer'). I started thinking about when I met my birth mother she had tried to take me in and get me to change but I just wanted to know if she loved me...I felt she was choosing her husband over me and she loved her new family more than me. It had been a year since I had seen her and I cried out to God and said I would like to have another chance with my mom.
I told my nephew the next day on the street to get one of my brothers to come and get me cause if not I would not be alive through the night. My brother showed up and said he would take me anywhere I wanted to go. I went to LaPlace to stay with my maw-maw. The next day, my mom showed up and invited me to church. I went and got radically saved.
About 5 months later, living with my real mom again, her and her husband were having trust issues and I got thrown out of the house and winded up with no place to go...I ended up back at my grandmas hurt, disappointed, and depressed. I could not understand what I did wrong cause I was no longer on anything, I was serving God and going to youth and cell group.. I loved God with all my heart!!!
I tried to keep straight but bitterness and anger took root and rejection came all over again. I wound up back in a relationship with a guy but even though I was not going to church I knew enough of the word for God to deal with me and show me my error.. It is hard after you come to know the Lord and turn back into the same things to feel happy with your life, even though you try and convince yourself it is just not the same.
I remember waking from a dream freaking out because God showed me these big crystal blue eyes were looking down at me and my boyfriend and we were in his hand naked and I saw tears falling from his eyes and he said, 'why are you hurting me what have I done to you?' That really got my attention. I did not realize that I was taking things out on the Lord. I had walked away from God and did not see it because in my heart I thought of the Lord and loved him.
My boyfriend left that day to go to a friend's house and I started analyzing my life and where would I be in the future if I stayed where I was and I knew then that it would be misery... so I called my mom and told her what was going on and asked her to come and get me and she did. She took me to church to get prayed over to break ties that I had with this guy but in my insides I was in so much pain and turmoil from the seperation. Not long after that I heard of
Mercy Ministries and got the apps to fill out and talked to them on the phone. I will never forget my experience at Mercy - I really established a strong relationship with God there and I did not miss home at all. I felt like I was home.
I had a lot of supressed issues and they really helped by getting to the root of the problem. I developed a strong foundation from the counseling, the word, the worship and the love and compassion that was shown to me and the other girls. Mercy meant so much to me that it was hard to leave when it came time to go...
When I left from Mercy I did not go home but instead to Oklahoma to 'Church of the Harvest' as an intern, working in all 5 areas of ministry to find out what my giftings and talents were. It was a great experience for me.
I walked with a woman who was my mentor in Texas for 8 years in dealing with deliverance. I have a heart to see the captives set free and walk in the freedom and liberty that Jesus purchased for them through his blood, and to see everyone come to know the love of Jesus and know that there are no accidents. There is no child born that catches God by suprise because he already has a plan and a purpose for their life before they are even born. He knew you when you were being formed in your mothers womb. My life is testimony to this.
I have always wanted to go back to Mercy and be a part of such a wonderful team of women that are touching lives for God's glory and seeing lives restored...I have been online reaching out to girls who struggle with eating disorders, self harm, suicidal tendencies, depression, sexual abuse and addictions like I have in the past. I have the Mercy webpage site on my page for the girls to go to and understand what Mercy is about - that they save lives.
Now God is opening a door for me at my church through CELEBRATE RECOVERY which deals with all the same things. My cell leader said that she really wanted me to hook up and become a part of it because of my testimony and my heart to see lives transformed through the mercy and compassion of Jesus. It is a bible based program.
I know I am right in God's will for my life and I am walking in my purpose. Thank you Nancy for being sensitive to the spirit of the Lord and starting Mercy for girls like me...you all are so amazing!!! I will continue to share Mercy with others that are struggling because if God can do it for me, he can do it for them.
Just a note - my mom and I are best friends and I know the reason for why it was hard for her to get close to me: she was feeling guilt and was under condemnation over what happened to me growing up but I told her it did not matter, I love her and I do not hold anything against her. I do not use my past as a crutch but as a stepping stone to get where God wants me to be.
I have given the "Mercy For" series to my pastor's wife and my cell leader.
God bless you Mercy staff and Nancy!
mercy girl of 91',

Mercy Ministries and Celebrate Recovery

I am starting this blog to share with those who are struggling or have loved ones that are struggling with addictions of any kind. My concern for parents who are struggling with eating disorders or have children or other family members that struggle with this type of illness. Feel free to go to myspace and view my story and you would not how I relate to this in my blog and also have my story on my profile page. Go to http://www.myspace.com/mercygirl2 I had struggled with an eating disorder for over 2 years after I had my baby. There was first a health issue that winded up leading to anorexia. This is my reason for wanting to share with you about Mercy Ministries this is a program that takes in girls and women from the ages of 13-28 that struggle with self harm, sexual abuse, eating disorders, drug addictions and so much more. The program saved my life as a struggling suicidal teen that was hooked on drugs and was ready for life to end. Ever felt you were just existing and had no purpose or was ever told that you would never amount to anything or get your life straight. Well that is not something you have to take and believe about yourself just because that is what others say. Nobody is perfect and we all have struggles in life and reasons behind why we do what we do. Alot times its a form of escapism cause we would rather stay high than live in reality. No matter who you feel or view yourself you are no mistake and you do have purpose in life. Alot of times people get locked up only to go back to the same life style they had before they got there.
Parents that are pouring their money into programs to help their kids to only get them back and see them fall right back into it all again. I got some encouraging news for you moms with daughters, Mercy Ministries is free all they ask is that the girls be willing to go through the program and graduate. They are not trying to make money off of the suffering of others. Here is the site for you to check out and look into yourself. http://www.mercyministries.com/

Celebrate recovery is for women and men and teens and it covers so many areas. They just started this program at our church and it is awesome. Yes I am in church and still go because I want to see what it is all about and I am interested in being a part of the team later on. You can be in church and still struggle with hurts, habits and hangups. None of us are perfect.
It is on Friday's at 7pm to 10pm. We open up with worship, then it goes into teaching, after we go into groups which are support groups. After we go into the cafe and have food and refreshments and fellowship with others. It is good to get connected. It is not easy overcoming a struggle that you had most of your life in your own might but it is great to be surrounded by others that are in it with you and those that care and support you through the process of recovery. If you want to see if their is a Celebrate Recovery in your area go to http://www.celebraterecovery.com/ what could it hurt to give it a chance it can be life changing.
If you have any questions feel free to ask..